Narcissism and Unhealthy Relationships: Understanding the Patterns We Repeat
Nov 04, 2026Watch Week 4 of The Relationship Series with James Hands.
Why do we sometimes find ourselves in relationships where we're constantly giving, trying harder, or hoping that one day the other person will finally meet us halfway?
For some people, these experiences aren't new. They can reflect patterns that began much earlier in life.
In Week 4 of The Relationship Series, James Hands explores narcissism, unhealthy relationship dynamics, and how our childhood experiences can influence the way we seek love, connection, and approval as adults.
When Relationships Become One-Sided
Healthy relationships involve a natural flow of giving and receiving.
There will be times when one person needs more support than the other. But in a healthy relationship, both people are recognised as individuals with their own needs, feelings, and experiences.
When a relationship becomes consistently one-sided, that balance can disappear.
One person may become the giver, fixer, or emotional caretaker, while the other expects their needs to come first.
Over time, this can leave the person doing most of the giving feeling exhausted, unseen, and disconnected from their own needs.
Understanding Narcissistic Dynamics
James discusses how narcissistic traits can show up in different ways.
Some behaviours are more obvious, such as demanding attention, dominating conversations, or reacting aggressively when challenged.
Others can be more subtle, involving guilt, emotional manipulation, blame, or consistently positioning oneself as the victim.
These behaviours can make relationships confusing, particularly when moments of warmth or approval are followed by criticism, withdrawal, or rejection.
It's important to remember that displaying narcissistic traits doesn't automatically mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder. The focus here is on recognising unhealthy behaviours and understanding their impact.
How Childhood Experiences Shape Our Relationships
When a parent is emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or unable to consistently respond to a child's emotional needs, the child may begin adapting their behaviour to maintain connection.
They might become unusually responsible, helpful, quiet, or sensitive to the emotions of others.
Rather than expressing sadness, anger, or fear, they may learn to suppress those feelings to avoid upsetting the people around them.
From the outside, this child might appear mature and well-behaved.
But underneath, they may be working very hard to feel safe, accepted, and loved.
These early adaptations can follow us into adulthood, shaping how we behave in friendships, family relationships, and romantic partnerships.
Why We Keep Trying Harder
One of the patterns James explores is the impact of inconsistent affection.
When attention, praise, or kindness is offered unpredictably, we may begin trying harder to recreate those moments of connection.
We might believe that if we're more helpful, more understanding, or more accommodating, we'll finally receive the love and reassurance we've been seeking.
This can become a difficult cycle.
The occasional moment of approval gives us hope, but when it disappears, we find ourselves trying even harder.
Over time, this pattern can make it difficult to recognise when a relationship is no longer meeting our emotional needs.
Recognising the Pattern Is the Beginning
James emphasises the importance of developing a clearer understanding of our own emotional patterns.
If you recognise yourself as the person who always gives, fixes, or takes responsibility for others, it may be worth exploring where that response began.
What did you learn about love and approval growing up?
Were you able to express your feelings freely?
Or did you feel that being helpful, agreeable, or undemanding was the safest way to maintain connection?
Understanding these experiences isn't about blaming ourselves or others. It's about recognising the beliefs and responses that may still be influencing our relationships today.
Creating Healthier Relationships
Healing these patterns can take time, particularly when they developed early in life.
But awareness creates an opportunity to begin making different choices.
We can learn to recognise our own needs, develop healthier boundaries, and move towards relationships where care and connection flow both ways.
We can also begin to understand that love doesn't have to be something we continually earn through self-sacrifice.
A Moment for Reflection
Do I feel free to be myself in my relationships, or do I feel responsible for keeping others happy in order to feel loved and accepted?
Take a moment to consider what comes up without judging yourself.
Continue Your Healing Journey
If these experiences feel familiar, The Healing Tree offers an opportunity to explore the deeper patterns and childhood experiences that may be influencing your relationships.
This article is part of James Hands' six-week Relationship Series, exploring the emotional patterns and experiences that influence how we connect with ourselves and others.
