Reframe your inner critic

Loving our Inner Critic

A common problem for people, especially trauma survivors, is a loud and vicious inner critic. This part attacks self in harsh, angry judgments. It doesn’t stop attacking until we have collapsed in a powerless, guilty mess.

My personal and professional experience with inner critic is a repetitive message that cuts us down and keeps us in our place. It sabotages success and joy, undermining positive experiences and feedback from others. It keeps us small and shamed.

The outer critic is the projective version, where other people can never do it right. Others are always at fault, to blame, not good enough. We all do a bit of this perhaps, but the weaker people who do it consistently seem to lack the self-awareness and courage to enter the therapy room.

When we reframe the critical voice with gentle curiosity, we find a strong part of self trying to protect us. By getting in first with the attack, we avoid a greater blow when the abusive parent, sibling or partner attacks us. Better to be in control of the process rather than caught by surprise. Better from inside than outside.

Our inner critic can be so harmful out of context, when the childhood or abusive relationship is over. But at the time it develops (usually very young) it helps us enormously. If we didn’t preempt the attack, we would be freshly pounded down each time. We could barely survive.

So let's turn our attitude around 180 degrees:

1. Love your inner critic: catch yourself before you put criticism on the criticism. Remind yourself that this part helped by giving you some control in terrible times.
2. Thank it: extend love and compassion to it. Let it know those times are now over and it is safe to feel good about yourself.
3. Invite your loyal soldier to have a break from the role we gave it so long ago. “Would you like a holiday?” Once we prove to it that we are now safe, and can protect ourself in other ways, it will relax.
4. Give the critic part a new role: eventually we can reallocate the lifeforce we allocated the critic role. I like to make it’s new role Superfan, cheer squad, loyal encouraging supporter. Completely turn it around.

Trust me, this part loves you and will do it’s new job with the same consistent dedication as before. Now it builds you up into the self-love you deserve.